notevensorey | IC Inbox

[Sorey reads all of it, everything Amal says and doesn't say. He's a tired warrior at a young age. A veteran of a war for survival, both for himself and his friends and the worlds, from what he's understanding. A man who doesn't remember what it's like to be himself, truly himself, and is too afraid to look in the mirror to find the real Amal Vasiya.]

Amal, you've had so much on your shoulders and you've weathered through it all with the resilience of a survivor. Even a warrior such as yourself would wear down in the spirit, battle after battle, day after day.

Mercy is a choice. Tenderness, being gentle, that's a skill we can work on together, and then it's up to you to practice it. It's okay to put down your dagger and hang up your sword, to trade them out for an outstretched hand instead. To use your words to heal and lift up others, to protect them in a gentler way.

In my professional opinion, you're a veteran who has started to realise that the war is over, and it's time to come home. It's okay to rest. You made your vase into a dagger, and now that old dagger needs to be made into something new. A music box, perhaps, or a locket.

[After a moment, an audio file titled Amal.wav will be sent over. If he opens it, he'll hear Sorey's voice coming through his speakers.]

Welcome home, Amal. It's not your fault you went to war. It's okay to rest.

[A text then follows.]

I know that it's hard for you sometimes to reach out for help, whether it's in the middle of the night or day. But if that voice in your head insisting that you're broken won't stop, work with your hands and play this as many times as you need for it to quiet down. If this doesn't help, we'll think of something else.

You can always share your pain with me, Amal. I'm not delicate, and I'm not a judge. But that's only if you're ready to find who you are underneath all of these layers of pain and battle and survival. Are you ready for that journey?

[Sorey reads him like a novel.

There's so much Amal hasn't told him about, and even those he's been open with don't know the explicit details, or all of them. The hungry years, the prison years, the taste of the lash until he couldn't remember the rest, the first time he killed someone, the last time he killed someone. The first time he lost someone he really loved, and that one time he just laid down and accepted his death. Amal came into this world screaming, covered in blood, and unwanted—and he had always assumed he'd go out the same way.

His life is so much. Too much for one person. So he only gives out little bits and pieces, if anything at all, and he carries the weight of it himself. Like his sword, like his armor, like everything else he's dragged with him for the past twenty-seven years.

It's a good thing this is text, and it's also good that he's in his room alone, because it isn't long before he feels himself breaking down. Not just a little bit, either. He blinks hard but his vision is all blurry and his face is hot, and he realizes he's grieving again.

And all it took was hearing that it's okay to put his sword down.

Welcome home.]

Ah, hells.

[Sorey is really good at this, and that's infuriating too, but even Amal knows that's a childish emotion. Regardless, it's closer to a half hour before he manages to pick up his phone again and text Sorey back.]

depends

what if i'm too much for you?

what if i'm no good at this?

do you really want to know how all of this began?

when you spend long enough in chains everything looks like a cage

the best i can do is make sure no one else has to turn out the way i did. now im learning that's not enough

[Sorey gives Amal his time. Of course he does. The man probably hasn't truly been so open in a long time, and only now has tried to stop fighting a war in his own mind. So he waits patiently, texting Jun and Mikleo to not come into his room until he gives them the all clear. Sorey has a feeling he's going to need his own self-care after talking Amal through his crisis.

When the brunet gets the text back, he's as prepared mentally as he can be.]

Yes, Amal. I want to know so that I can help you. You won't be too much for me. We'll take this at your pace.

If it's looking like a cage, then I'll help you find the keys and slip them through the bars to you. Tell me your story, help me understand why you think you're not enough. Whatever you tell me won't be repeated to anyone else.

[Is Sorey a psychiatrist or a psychic? Because nowhere in there did Amal say he thought he wasn't good enough, and yet, and yet. There are nights where he doesn't sleep, and sometimes there are nights where he wishes he hadn't. Dreams where he's left by everyone he loves and cares for, even Raha, who sacrificed so much in his past life. And it always comes down to—

I'm not good enough.

He hasn't admitted these nightmares to anyone. But maybe he's just that transparent... It wouldn't be the first time someone saw through him.]

i'm not sure about all of this but i'll tell you the beginning. i think you need to hear it to understand the kind of person i am

it starts with a boy and a loaf of bread.

he steals enough to survive. there's not much more at the orphanage so he starts cutting purses from people who won't miss the coins too much. he gets really good at games, and he buys enough food to feed all the children for a week. and no one wants it because of course no one wants ill-begotten gifts but the boy doesn't know any better

then his desire to help people with that money gets them in trouble so they run away from him. and then HE gets in trouble. sixteen summers and he's thrown behind bars and written off as a lost cause. he's in and out and in and out and eventually he doesn't come out at all

do you see where i'm going with this?

i'm not mad at myself for stealing to survive. i'm mad that i had no choice and i'm mad at the people who stood by and did nothing

i know what the right thing is. i just never do it the right way

maybe you can teach tenderness, that might be true. but how do you teach mercy? i don't know what that looks like. if you call what they did to me a mercy, then i'd insist death would have been kinder

these are ideals that exist for other people.

Edited 2023-05-18 20:37 (UTC)

[Sorey takes that all in, thinking. He begins typing out his response.]

What does mercy mean to you?

[A simple question, but one that demands an answer. It'll determine what he wants to say.]

[Fuck. He doesn't know what mercy is supposed to be like. There's probably a right and wrong answer to this pop quiz...

He breathes in through his nose, calms himself a bit, and responds.]

to me, it's... an act that alleviates suffering, with an eye toward the future

i don't have a lot of faith in institutions because i've seen people abuse power over and over again. true mercy takes all the factors into consideration. for example, feeding a person for one day but not doing anything to make their circumstances better isn't mercy. it's just pity and it's short sighted at that

Then, I have another question for you.

Do you believe that feeding those children was mercy?

[Sorey promised Amal his honesty, and it's his job as a therapist to ask him the hard questions.]

of course not

i was a kid too. that was survival

mercy would have been realizing that maybe we should actually feed the pariahs in the lowest parts of the city instead of selling them off

but the thing about mercy is that it comes from people with power

Do you believe that those without power have no ability to be merciful? In other words, do you believe that mercy is a privilege?

i think mercy doesn't exist without some kind of power imbalance. ive seen it used as a tool to control people who fear oppression, making some chosen target of their 'mercy' into a pet.

on a battlefield, isn't mercy shown to an enemy only possible because there's a sword in the other hand?

i think mercy in a lot of cases isn't alleviating suffering but it's just a more subtle threat

Are you angry at them for using mercy as a weapon? Or are you angry at yourself?

why would i be angry at myself?

[Is both a good answer? Probably, and slightly less evasive.

He hasn't connected the dots that maybe he felt powerless and like he allowed some stuff to happen. Why would he, when he could just channel all that anger into the people who wronged him and his peers?]

That's a good question, and it's an important one to answer. Why would you be angry at yourself?

[The hell kind of trap is this.]

are you..... asking me.... to imagine being mad at myself?

i dont get it

[THE NILE IS NO LONGER A RIVER IN EGYPT]

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cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude

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cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude

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cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude

cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude

cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude

cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude

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