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[Sorey gives Amal his time. Of course he does. The man probably hasn't truly been so open in a long time, and only now has tried to stop fighting a war in his own mind. So he waits patiently, texting Jun and Mikleo to not come into his room until he gives them the all clear. Sorey has a feeling he's going to need his own self-care after talking Amal through his crisis.
When the brunet gets the text back, he's as prepared mentally as he can be.]
Yes, Amal. I want to know so that I can help you. You won't be too much for me. We'll take this at your pace.
If it's looking like a cage, then I'll help you find the keys and slip them through the bars to you. Tell me your story, help me understand why you think you're not enough. Whatever you tell me won't be repeated to anyone else.
[Is Sorey a psychiatrist or a psychic? Because nowhere in there did Amal say he thought he wasn't good enough, and yet, and yet. There are nights where he doesn't sleep, and sometimes there are nights where he wishes he hadn't. Dreams where he's left by everyone he loves and cares for, even Raha, who sacrificed so much in his past life. And it always comes down to—
I'm not good enough.
He hasn't admitted these nightmares to anyone. But maybe he's just that transparent... It wouldn't be the first time someone saw through him.]
i'm not sure about all of this but i'll tell you the beginning. i think you need to hear it to understand the kind of person i am
it starts with a boy and a loaf of bread.
he steals enough to survive. there's not much more at the orphanage so he starts cutting purses from people who won't miss the coins too much. he gets really good at games, and he buys enough food to feed all the children for a week. and no one wants it because of course no one wants ill-begotten gifts but the boy doesn't know any better
then his desire to help people with that money gets them in trouble so they run away from him. and then HE gets in trouble. sixteen summers and he's thrown behind bars and written off as a lost cause. he's in and out and in and out and eventually he doesn't come out at all
do you see where i'm going with this?
i'm not mad at myself for stealing to survive. i'm mad that i had no choice and i'm mad at the people who stood by and did nothing
i know what the right thing is. i just never do it the right way
maybe you can teach tenderness, that might be true. but how do you teach mercy? i don't know what that looks like. if you call what they did to me a mercy, then i'd insist death would have been kinder
[Fuck. He doesn't know what mercy is supposed to be like. There's probably a right and wrong answer to this pop quiz...
He breathes in through his nose, calms himself a bit, and responds.]
to me, it's... an act that alleviates suffering, with an eye toward the future
i don't have a lot of faith in institutions because i've seen people abuse power over and over again. true mercy takes all the factors into consideration. for example, feeding a person for one day but not doing anything to make their circumstances better isn't mercy. it's just pity and it's short sighted at that
i think mercy doesn't exist without some kind of power imbalance. ive seen it used as a tool to control people who fear oppression, making some chosen target of their 'mercy' into a pet.
on a battlefield, isn't mercy shown to an enemy only possible because there's a sword in the other hand?
i think mercy in a lot of cases isn't alleviating suffering but it's just a more subtle threat
[Is both a good answer? Probably, and slightly less evasive.
He hasn't connected the dots that maybe he felt powerless and like he allowed some stuff to happen. Why would he, when he could just channel all that anger into the people who wronged him and his peers?]
cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude
When the brunet gets the text back, he's as prepared mentally as he can be.]
Yes, Amal. I want to know so that I can help you. You won't be too much for me. We'll take this at your pace.
If it's looking like a cage, then I'll help you find the keys and slip them through the bars to you. Tell me your story, help me understand why you think you're not enough. Whatever you tell me won't be repeated to anyone else.
cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude
I'm not good enough.
He hasn't admitted these nightmares to anyone. But maybe he's just that transparent... It wouldn't be the first time someone saw through him.]
i'm not sure about all of this but i'll tell you the beginning. i think you need to hear it to understand the kind of person i am
it starts with a boy and a loaf of bread.
he steals enough to survive. there's not much more at the orphanage so he starts cutting purses from people who won't miss the coins too much. he gets really good at games, and he buys enough food to feed all the children for a week. and no one wants it because of course no one wants ill-begotten gifts but the boy doesn't know any better
then his desire to help people with that money gets them in trouble so they run away from him. and then HE gets in trouble. sixteen summers and he's thrown behind bars and written off as a lost cause. he's in and out and in and out and eventually he doesn't come out at all
do you see where i'm going with this?
i'm not mad at myself for stealing to survive. i'm mad that i had no choice and i'm mad at the people who stood by and did nothing
i know what the right thing is. i just never do it the right way
maybe you can teach tenderness, that might be true. but how do you teach mercy? i don't know what that looks like. if you call what they did to me a mercy, then i'd insist death would have been kinder
these are ideals that exist for other people.
cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude
What does mercy mean to you?
[A simple question, but one that demands an answer. It'll determine what he wants to say.]
cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude
He breathes in through his nose, calms himself a bit, and responds.]
to me, it's... an act that alleviates suffering, with an eye toward the future
i don't have a lot of faith in institutions because i've seen people abuse power over and over again. true mercy takes all the factors into consideration. for example, feeding a person for one day but not doing anything to make their circumstances better isn't mercy. it's just pity and it's short sighted at that
cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude
Do you believe that feeding those children was mercy?
[Sorey promised Amal his honesty, and it's his job as a therapist to ask him the hard questions.]
cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude
i was a kid too. that was survival
mercy would have been realizing that maybe we should actually feed the pariahs in the lowest parts of the city instead of selling them off
but the thing about mercy is that it comes from people with power
cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude
no subject
on a battlefield, isn't mercy shown to an enemy only possible because there's a sword in the other hand?
i think mercy in a lot of cases isn't alleviating suffering but it's just a more subtle threat
no subject
no subject
[Is both a good answer? Probably, and slightly less evasive.
He hasn't connected the dots that maybe he felt powerless and like he allowed some stuff to happen. Why would he, when he could just channel all that anger into the people who wronged him and his peers?]
no subject
no subject
are you..... asking me.... to imagine being mad at myself?
i dont get it
[THE NILE IS NO LONGER A RIVER IN EGYPT]