notevensorey: (The same old bread and rolls to sell)
Sorey ([personal profile] notevensorey) wrote2037-02-19 10:35 am

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thavnairian: (☀ as i cry falling raindrops)

cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude

[personal profile] thavnairian 2023-05-18 08:37 pm (UTC)(link)
[Is Sorey a psychiatrist or a psychic? Because nowhere in there did Amal say he thought he wasn't good enough, and yet, and yet. There are nights where he doesn't sleep, and sometimes there are nights where he wishes he hadn't. Dreams where he's left by everyone he loves and cares for, even Raha, who sacrificed so much in his past life. And it always comes down to—

I'm not good enough.

He hasn't admitted these nightmares to anyone. But maybe he's just that transparent... It wouldn't be the first time someone saw through him.]


i'm not sure about all of this but i'll tell you the beginning. i think you need to hear it to understand the kind of person i am

it starts with a boy and a loaf of bread.

he steals enough to survive. there's not much more at the orphanage so he starts cutting purses from people who won't miss the coins too much. he gets really good at games, and he buys enough food to feed all the children for a week. and no one wants it because of course no one wants ill-begotten gifts but the boy doesn't know any better

then his desire to help people with that money gets them in trouble so they run away from him. and then HE gets in trouble. sixteen summers and he's thrown behind bars and written off as a lost cause. he's in and out and in and out and eventually he doesn't come out at all

do you see where i'm going with this?

i'm not mad at myself for stealing to survive. i'm mad that i had no choice and i'm mad at the people who stood by and did nothing

i know what the right thing is. i just never do it the right way

maybe you can teach tenderness, that might be true. but how do you teach mercy? i don't know what that looks like. if you call what they did to me a mercy, then i'd insist death would have been kinder

these are ideals that exist for other people.
Edited 2023-05-18 20:37 (UTC)
thavnairian: (☀ for you all out that's when i call)

cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude

[personal profile] thavnairian 2023-05-18 10:36 pm (UTC)(link)
[Fuck. He doesn't know what mercy is supposed to be like. There's probably a right and wrong answer to this pop quiz...

He breathes in through his nose, calms himself a bit, and responds.]


to me, it's... an act that alleviates suffering, with an eye toward the future

i don't have a lot of faith in institutions because i've seen people abuse power over and over again. true mercy takes all the factors into consideration. for example, feeding a person for one day but not doing anything to make their circumstances better isn't mercy. it's just pity and it's short sighted at that
thavnairian: (☀ *wrinkles nose*)

cw mentions of abuse, indentured servitude

[personal profile] thavnairian 2023-05-18 11:02 pm (UTC)(link)
of course not

i was a kid too. that was survival

mercy would have been realizing that maybe we should actually feed the pariahs in the lowest parts of the city instead of selling them off

but the thing about mercy is that it comes from people with power
thavnairian: (☀ let me keep every sunrise)

[personal profile] thavnairian 2023-05-19 01:47 pm (UTC)(link)
i think mercy doesn't exist without some kind of power imbalance. ive seen it used as a tool to control people who fear oppression, making some chosen target of their 'mercy' into a pet.

on a battlefield, isn't mercy shown to an enemy only possible because there's a sword in the other hand?

i think mercy in a lot of cases isn't alleviating suffering but it's just a more subtle threat
thavnairian: (☀ *wrinkles nose*)

[personal profile] thavnairian 2023-05-19 02:13 pm (UTC)(link)
why would i be angry at myself?

[Is both a good answer? Probably, and slightly less evasive.

He hasn't connected the dots that maybe he felt powerless and like he allowed some stuff to happen. Why would he, when he could just channel all that anger into the people who wronged him and his peers?]
thavnairian: (🌊 explain.)

[personal profile] thavnairian 2023-05-20 06:34 am (UTC)(link)
[The hell kind of trap is this.]

are you..... asking me.... to imagine being mad at myself?

i dont get it


[THE NILE IS NO LONGER A RIVER IN EGYPT]